My life has changed so much. Sometimes I need to say something in private. Just comment for an add. :)

- peace.

I'm buying my textbooks for next week when my economics class starts. Buy textbooks online, people!

I'll update in an hour with the REAL prices I paid.

Economics:
MICROECONOMICS:PRIN.+APPLICATI ONS
HALL
Edition:4TH 08
Publisher:CENGAGE L
New
$156.65

Used if available
$117.50

ValoreBooks.com
$23.10

Linear Algebra:
LINEAR ALGEBRA+ITS APPL.,UPDT.-W/CD
LAY
Edition:3RD 06
Publisher:PEARSON

New
$151.45

Used if available
$113.60

ValoreBooks.com
$80-something

I found out that working out is the only thing that is keeping me alive as a functional human being and everytime I stop working out, I die a little inside. Become sluggish, tired, and forgetful. Especially if I am not eating well.

Ah, and here's my trip to Austin! I know its late, but it never occurred to me to put one of my vlogs on my blog. Hah!

So, I told Linda about my role in this TV show I'm going to be in which I cannot tell you. And she said "Wow! All the stuff always happens to you!" "Nnmm... not really..." "Yeah! Weird stuff always happens to you!" "Hm, yeah..."

But its not necessarily a good thing. I mean, not that I have cancer or missing limbs... but ya know. The average amount of BAD things have happened to me. And I have to deal with a lot of emotional turmoil and frustration for no real apparent reason (there are reasons, but they aren't reasons to be sympathetic about).

However, for every bad thing happens to me, including my continuous struggle with education, teaches me a lot. Nothing bad that has happened to me has ever been in vain. I'm thankful for that.


EXCEPT for these self induced things such as PROCRASTINATION! lol

This Linear Algebra class is almost over. This is the last week. Then next week, I'll be doing economics which is hopefully less boring. I think just about anything will be more interesting than Linear Algebra. The class itself feels redundant, and yet, you must study or you won't succeed.

So, I had another break down this morning. Which I'm noting because I always thought these break downs came from PMS, but my cycle's over. I'm supposed to get my testing results on Monday. Listen, I'm so happy I finally took this test. I was continuously debating whether or not I should take it. Sometimes, I'd feel like I don't need to and many times, I'd cry about it. Now, its over and done with and we'll see what happens.

I'm not a very good blogger. Haha. Reading my blogs doesn't tell you much about what is really on my mind and how I've been spending my time. Besides studying, I have been doing a lot of research on African hair types. I've been reading book after book and I'm currently kinda satisfied with my knowledge. What I am not satisfied with is my experience. My mom is convinced that we must use a chemical on my hair every 6 to 8 weeks or my hair will break. Now, I finally talked her into using a texturiser. Which is a relaxer, but a different chemical is used. I think the chemical is less harsh and is not lye-based (where as regular relaxers all have some amount of lye in it unless its a thio perm which you need to not even think about doing). But, I would like to only put this on my hair every 3 or even 4 months. Not every 2. ... So anyway

That is what my mother and I are currently fighting about. We have a few big fights we need to go through. For one, I've decided that I absolutely hate school and I'm not going to grad school unless I find a passion for that subject. We need to fight about the kind of man I'm going to marry in a few years. We're going to fight about me moving into my own apartment. Hopefully that's all we need to fight about until I have children.

I succumbed to my internet addiction for the past 2 days. MJ died and it even made my father cry. I got ADHD testing finally.

I need to pee.

Its hard for me to find time to do the things I really want to do (You know... hobbies. I love to read non-fictions. I love to dance. I want to update blog layouts. Etc, etc.) because I suck at following any of my plans. I'd get consumed by the internet or my thoughts. I'd be on the internet for ONE reason, completely forget what that reason was for 5 hours and do everything under the sun BUT what I wanted. No wonder I'm frustrated.

I'm getting ADHD testing on Friday. I just want to see what we learn from it because I'm really tired of always whining about myself on my LJ. And sometimes, I get a moment of clarity and say "Psh, I don't need ADHD testing! I just need to try harder!" Then I go out there in the world and try harder and fall flat on my face. I'd say "I need to try the testing" then say "No, I don't really need that. I'm okay. I'm just lazy." then back and forth and back and forth...

I never feel like updating because I don't make any progress in particular.

I mean, well, the linear algebra class is going on well enough. I make As on the homework. Then on my two tests, a B and a C. Those got me upset. I know why I got them, but I haven't done anything about it yet.

I still have a terrible habit of forgetting why I entered a room or why I got on the computer (so then I start doing everything except what I wanted and waste 3 hours). I still have a bad habit of making a good plan for my day and forgetting that I had made one. I still hate coming home and telling my parents anything. I still get depressed about one thing or another every day. Or every other hour some days.

I found this artist named Kate Nash. I have an attraction for artists who make music that remind me of something I would make.



Because when I see someone who makes something I make or similar, it makes me think "if I really wanted it, I could have what they have..."

Oh my gosh, I'm watching a SPICE girls documentary thing. Ginger Spice. Can't sing. Can't dance. But she's energetic and eager to learn (and adorable)! The producer says "Yeah... sometimes you can get away with that."
I should keep that in mind from now on.

I don't have time to do anything anymore! And I'm only taking ONE class this summer.

This is really pissing me off. I don't understand.

I really cannot stand my mother.

Her CONSTANT and CONSISTENT negative is absolutely depressing and mind-blowing.

How someone can be so outwardly and vocally depressed and desperate amazes me.

I try to see it from her point of view. She was raised with specific values, definitions of success, and views of the world that differ radically from my own.

She and my dad have traveled around the world to make sure they got a good job (that they do not necessarily enjoy) so they can have enough money to give their children whatever they need.

As the children grew up, they produce bad results in school, careless behaviours, odd social engagements and a lack of understanding of themselves.

Their children represent everything that worked to not happen. And because of their views of the world, definition of success and values, they fail to gain any understanding of what is going on in their kids' heads or what it might mean.

So I understand why my parents are so INCREDIBLY forlorn. They have been this way for a long time. I realized why I never wanted to go home as a child (if we went out, I always dreaded the moment where it was 'time to go'. Home felt like a hell jail house to me.). At least for me, my lack of openness and honesty combined with my parents constant sadness.

I am very lucky to have such an open-minded head. I see possibility in EVERY thing and every way. And I understand what it is like to be misunderstood and be labeled, diagnosed, or persecuted for it when in fact, whatever makes someone different might be the very thing that makes them successful one day. If I ever have children, I sincerely hope that I remember my childhood and what I wished it could have been. I hope I remember my parents and the mistakes they made. I hope I can usher in some one who's happy in this world. Because my parents and I are not. I don't know if my parents ever will be, but God willing I live long, one day I will be.

I read something that was so encouraging today...

I opened up an extra old recommendation letter a counselour wrote for me so I can enter SMU.

Reading this letter, you would think I was the creme de la creme... look at this excerpt:

"is interested in learing for the sake of acquiring knowledge... seems withdrawn and quiet, she is an extremely interesting person who is open to all types of new experiences and knowledge ... she is a very intelligent, analytical, yet creative thinker. ... I recommend her without reservation for your university..."

Oh my god.

People say those things to me all the time. And I just brush it off. This counselour who didn't even know me that well. I mean, c'mon. She's just the school counselour could write this. She did her research on me. Talked to my teachers. And wrote from her own experiences with me.

Why does everyoe think I'm so smart and I don't? Why can't I ever achieve what others think I have the capability to?

I'm so disappointed in myself. There is nothing I want more than to use what I've been given to the best of my abilities...

I was trying to sell my books to some boxes/ebay/postage store. I was rather annoyed because I wasted 30 minutes waiting for the supervisor arrive to fix the computer to tells them the worth my books and he never came, but! I found some nifty journals. "Home Owner's Journal" and "Campus Life Journal" and "Reader's Journal". I thought they were real neat. They're 20 bucks per journal, though, so I figured I'd just use my blogspot to make them. Blogspot allows you to run multple journals at once. I've been using it for a while for specific purposes. A beauty journal, a travel journal, etc. I was thinking of adding a reader's journal.

As I was lying in my bed, reading my copy of Watchmen, I realized that it's been nearly a week and I wasn't half way done. I'm still a very slow reader, it seems. When school is in session, I don't have the patience it takes to allow myself to finish, but lately, I've been feeling like a moping doe who's lost her mother. A broken celebrity recovering from a drug habit. I feel limp.

I feel broken. And pitied. And I have time to. There's no school for another month. I've been taking things very slowly.

In the "Campus Life" journal, there's a section on academics. I saw my philosophy advisor. I'm so glad I saw him. He told me the hard philosophy course I signed up to take next semester isn't necessary. Which is a relief. I'd like to take it (it's Metaphysics), but in the midsts of a poor GPA and changing majors, I don't know if I can. I also saw the Management Science advisor. He's really concerned about my super bad grades last semester. He won't allow me to enter the Management Science major unless I prove myself this summer in my Linear Algebra course. So, as you can imagine... I have a Linear Algebra workbook open right next to me...

In the "Campus Life" journal, there's a section to write about friendships and relationships. As I mentioned in a previous entry, my perspective of relationships has changed a lot.



After I got my head off of Keven and understood the dynamics of Aaron and I, I really opened my eyes and heart. I felt like I was meeting some of the people I've been associating with for the first time. I felt like I was being introduced to Travis, Reem, Sibongile, and others as if we had just met. All these relationships I have in my life are full of potential.

At this moment, I feel like everything I am and everything I have is just pregnant with possibility.

This song has been stuck in my head for... for ever! I don't even KNOW where I heard it originally.

*sigh* So, for the first time in a LONG time, life seems brighter. I'm trying really hard to stop keeping secrets from my mom. And I'm trying to get my brothers to realize they don't have to keep secrets from our mom. They don't have to not tell her their dreams because they think she'll say its stupid. Being able to fearlessly tell my mom what I think. Where I am going. What I want. What I did. Its so free-ing. I was feeling so trapped while I was in school. My mom thinks I'm still so immature. And I used to lie to her to prevent that, but it doesn't work like that. It only hurts me.

I'm not in school right now, so to occupy my time, I'm volunteering at the church with the youth group. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do. For now, I'm just there as if I'm a kid myself (these are high schoolers and middle schoolers). There was one girl there who was 17. My brothers think she's really weird. Uh, actually, she is. Haha! I didn't think she was 17. I thought maybe she was 14... 16 at most. She looked young and acted like she didn't have a shame in the world. When we were introducing ourselves, she said "and my random fact is I don't care what people think of me" (obviously because she was wearing boxers over her pants and shirt. I was going to ask her why, but after that commented, I decided not to). My point is, I think volunteering there will be good. Whenever I stay home, I don't get to interact with people outside my family because I am usually not allowed out of the house or allowed to meet my friends. It just felt good to be with other people, especially unabashed ones.

Today, they were talking about how when we take our holy communion, the bread and wine become true parts of Jesus Christ's body. I don't know what to say to that in a normal conversation, so I didn't say anything, but I've got to say that these kids have their faith amazingly deep rooted into their hearts. I don't and never have. That is to say, I don't completely buy everything they tell me I need to buy into.

Today was a pleasantly fresh day, btw. Un dia muy fresco. I'm really sad that I didn't go outside but two times just to get to my car.

I'm changing from Computer Science to Management Science.

And I'm really glad. I'm really glad I am going into a field of study that makes more sense for me. My ex, Jordan, kept urging me to switch. Telling me that he knows I dislike coding and I am much to friendly and cute to not try it.

I took shrooms for the first time last weekend and surprisingly ran into Wade, one of my computer science class mates. One of the FEW computer science classmates I actually like. I was in a very open and feel-good mood and since Wade seemed to be cool with our druggie vibe, I decided to tell him how I felt. Much to my surprise, he agreed. Wade, one of the coolest, quietest and friendliest guys in my major and class agrees that a lot of the kids in our major suck! Ah! I felt better. Haha

Anyway, I don't know if this is the BEST decision for me. I mean, my dad made it. I'm also minoring in math (which I don't mind. I'd rather just get a bachelour's in math than minor in it. I feel like that's useless so I'm scared I won't take my classes seriously), economics, and business.

I still want to continue my other major in Philosophy (I made a B+ in my phil course, btw! And I didn't even try at all this semester. Philosophy classes are the only classes I ever feel like I can succeed in... So far, the only classes that present a challenge I am glad to take and can conquer, but what kind of job can I get with Philosophy?)

And as for my romance with Travis... school's over. Pew-pew... :( But I find that I am calling him twice a day. And he's just so sweet, I can't believe it. I just want to enjoy him as much as I can and he wants to enjoy me as much as he can. It just feels so good. I feel like this semester has been a tunnel of hell and I finally reached THE END. Some sort of light and freeeddoooommmm!

*sigh* I'm swooning...

I found a romance. Just now. Even though school is ending in 3 days, it feels quite wonderful...

Okay!

I did it again! I'm sorry!

I was at a club (one of the black frats set up the student center like a night club) and I grinded upon a guy. I twirked him out. Not all the way out, but just a taste. Because that's what he wanted.

Its not that I am against this kind of dancing. What I am against is doing things for a guy the way I think the guy would like it just for his approval.

I grinded a guy at Insomnia, that trance club. But I wanted to. He was sexy. And nice. He took care of me. I was dancing the way I wanted to. And I stopped when I wanted to. That's okay.


But yeah... and you know what else I did that night at the club? These effin' guys. I gave this guy my number. Why did I do that? To be nice. Okay... fuck. I mean! I don't have to be nice! I know I am open to meeting new people, but I don't give every new person I meet my number unless I really feel a connection with them or we had a really good conversation! I should have just said to the guy "No, I'm not giving you my number." "Why not? You don't like meeting new people?" "I love meeting new people, but I don't give my number out to just anyone. I am NOT attracted to you."

That's it! Just say that I'm not attracted to him! And that's that.

And as for the grinding...! I just need to stop! If I want to dance with a guy, I will dance how I like. And if I don't want to dance with him, I just won't!

I am DEGRADING myself for male approval! I told myself about a year ago this has got to stop! I'm getting better, but man is it hard. A girl always slips up.

P.S. I am thinking of being a go-go dancer, you guys. We'll see how that goes next year.

I told my mom that I made a C+ in that Oaxaca class and I'm doing extremely poorly in my current classes. We had a long talk and I am sure I will have a few more long talks when my finals are over. But you know, I'm just really glad that I'm not hiding anything anymore. It feels so good to be free.

So, I don't know if I'm even going to pass a few of these classes. I have no clue. I'm not doing a good job of studying. I keep procrastinating. I keep staying up late to do my homework and procrastinate. I have so much fear for this work. I don't know why.

And I'm trying to plan my academic future. Of which I will put more thought on Saturday when my last final is done. If I stay at SMU, I think I will switch to management science, the one I wanted to do in the first place (I wanted to give it a go), but my dad said it would be better to do computer science. It feels good. It feels good to know that I don't have to take another coding class. I don't like them.

Anyway... we'll see. I am making a youtube video of my finals week, actually. Hah

And I learned how to breakdance yesterday. Ow... ow... I haven't been SORE all semester long!

I've made a new realization about friendship.

I was just having a tough time because the 3 people I considered to be my closest friends here were letting me down.

I remember in the 4th grade, I wrote an apology note to a "friend" and I was essentially begging for our friendship back. My parents found it and I got in big trouble. I didn't understand why, but now I get it. You should never ever beg for a friendship or for someone to fix a friendship. Now, that I think about it, I've done this a lot in my life. And so when my friend and I got in an argument, I told him everything I needed to and I was expecting him to do the same and he didn't. In fact, he ignored me. And I found myself trying to fight to get him back and then I stopped and asked myself "Why in the world am I wasting my energy on someone who isn't putting any energy into me?" and there was no answer.

My issues with friends keep changing. I remember when I was really upset that I didn't have a best friend or a group of people I called friends. It took me time to realize that I'm just not the kind of person who can stay with one group and my best friends have always been people who I can leave alone for a month or two and the next time I bump into them, its as if we had never been apart. I guess at the moment, my best friend is Su even though our friendship is mostly a practical/pragmatic relationship. Something you'd see on the Discovery channel or read in some obscure philosophy book. But I've never worked so well with someone. And she's a simple person... do you know how nice it is to be friends with simple people? Not simple minded, just a simple person.

Its hard to find good people to keep in your heart. And its not like I don't keep my friends in my heart... even that one who was ignoring me (and now he is suddenly not ignoring me. Its weird), but the energy you have to put forth...

I think that's the better word. I'm learning where to put my energy...

Okay, so... my grades are still bad, of course, but I've been thinking a lot.

It's pretty amazing how much I've grown and learned over the course of coming to college and this school year, in particular has been amazing and eye-opening.

I really want to remember all the things I've learned. Maybe one day, I'll be famous for something. It might be a stupid reason, it might be a phenomenal reason, but wouldn't it be nice to have a nicely written memoir or some sort of book? I realized that my blog(s) is the only documentation that I have. I'm going to keep it neater. Tidier. I'm going to make a website to organize my thoughts in. I should make more videos. I should document my photos better.

Anyway, I don't have time to do all of this organization right now. I have finals and major tests and a LOT of homework to do. But uh... I guess I just wanted to remind myself of that.

I don't think I'm going to go to that Insomnia club again for a while. You know what, I am not going to. I'm saying it. I often say "I don't think I want ____ anymore" and end up doing ____ just because its what I did last time! From now on, I have GOT to put my foot down when my heart's tapping. I've had too many things that I regret because I didn't listen to myself. Whenever I listen to myself, I'm happy.

I can say one thing... I'm not SCARED of drugs anymore. I'm not as shocked by it anymore. And I have never been so in tune with myself. What have I been thinking about?

I've been thinking about this sentence I often say (in different variations)... "I wish I were 80 years old so I can live and die" or "I wish I were 30" or "I don't like being young". I found myself talking to a lot of older people or middle aged people when I go to insomnia or any place, actually! There is nothing I seemed to love more this week than someone at least 5 years older than me who was friendly and open with me.

I've been "wishing I was 30" since I turned 18. And I know I shouldn't. "Being young is so hard... confusing... and everyone my age is f*cked up!!" but I'm beginning to really appreciate being young. And appreciate learning. I've always tried to be perfect to impress my parents, but I'm beginning to become a woman and doing things "for my parents" doesn't make much sense to me anymore.

I think I am just LOOKING for an excuse to say "I'm insane!" I go see a therapist and I want to hear him give me a label. For whatever reason, I don't want to admit that I'm OKAY.

But, I'm not okay. I'm never okay. I'm always crying. I'm always praying. I feel incomplete. I feel trapped. I feel like such a failure. Because I always fail. Every single time.

This year, I was tired. I was tired of trying and caring and then FAILING on my ass. So I stopped.

And I was happier but every day, I meet a person, hear a story, talk to my mom, something that makes me feel absolutely guilty and ungrateful.

So, I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I'm going to school AT ALL next semester. I don't know. I just... I wish I was 80 so I can live and die already.


Is it normal to always have these depressing thoughts? They come like clockwork, man. Every 2 to 4 weeks. And I feel like these feelings are all I really blog about. And you know, I created this blog to vent and feel better. I thought it would help, but its not helping.

I think I'm going to go on a diet again and exercise. I think I'm going to meditate. And I'm going to stop talking about my problems to people. Not that I have before, but its gotten to the point that there is now only one person I really trust to talk to. And even HE is unreliable at times! I hate people... the only thing I have is prayer and myself.

Keven is going to graduate. I'm possibly not going to go to school. I'm going to miss him so much... ... I told him I love him and he told me he loves me. That feels so good. It feels so good to tell someone you love them. I need to say that to my mom and dad...